It’s Throwback Thursday, blog edition! It’s been a year since we bought our house, and I wanted to take a moment to reflect on the shitastrophe that occurred upon moving in. This was originally posted on December 3rd, 2012.
Just to give you a little heads up, here’s what to prepare yourself for once you buy a house.
1. Wasps (or wolves, as some people call them) are sure to attack you, in November, while you’re trying to unpack. You will, upon seeing and killing three of them, call your husband to express how dire the situation is and how badly he is needed at home. He will, upon being a jerk, tell you to just “stay away from them or go to Starbucks or something because I’m at work.” Then, your child will come downstairs in a full Wolverine costume to find out what all the ruckus is about. After explaining to him that there are wasps in the house, he’ll want to know how wolves got into the house. You’ll try to clarify as you frantically dial the number to an exterminator, who your son will identify as “The Wolf Killer,” and then you will use painter’s tape to adhere cut-up trashbags to the wall where you think the wasps/wolves are coming in. Finally, you’ll try in a last-ditch effort to tell your son that there are no wolves, only wasps, which are like flies that sting you. Your son will then run away screaming, “There are wolves and flies in the house!”
2. Your house will flood immediately after you take care of the wasps/wolves. You, however, will have no idea that the house has flooded because it’s going to happen in the laundry room. This room just happens to be adjacent to the Wasp Room of Hell (which is taped off but still terrifying), so you’ll make the decision to just avoid that part of the house. Then, your husband will come home after having the worst day ever, and will decide to take his loyal dog for a walk in the backyard. As you make dinner, your husband heads down to the laundry room where the backdoor is, and you’ll suddenly hear, “WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?!” You’ll set your macaroni and cheese dish down, head cautiously toward the Wasp Room of Hell, only to find the hubs standing in water. Lots of water. Like Noah’s Ark type shit.
3. You’ll almost burn down the kitchen the first time you use the new oven. This will happen because you put a griddle in the bottom portion of the stove, then four days later tried to cook up some crescent rolls for a gourmet lunch. You’ll be busy placing crescent roll dough on a cookie sheet when suddenly your kitchen is filled with a strange sound. It’ll be like you’re stuck in a bowl of Rice Krispies, and all you can hear is crackling and popping (and snapping of course). Running over to the oven, you will throw the door open, smoke will spew out, the smoke alarm will go off, your son will blast down the steps like a maniac, and you will grab a griddle about to burst into flames and throw it out of your front door. Then, your son will say to you, “I know who started that fire…It was those wolves.”
4. Ghosts will haunt you. Or your bedroom floor sinks in and causes all of the drawers to your brand new furniture to slide open at night. The sensible side of you would just assume it’s the fact that your floor is uneven, causing drawers you just closed to gradually slide all the way back open over time. However, this side of you abandoned ship sometime between the house flooding and almost burning down. So, all you’re left with is the “crazy” you, and complete faith in the “fact” that ghosts are out to kill you…Or steal your underwear.
5. Just as things seem normal, your dog will eat his own shit while you’re gone, and then throw it back up. All. Over. The. House. And you’ll be a murder suspect. Pretty self-explanatory, but just to specify: He’s going to throw up on your rug (which you’ll throw away), a lamp (which you’ll throw away because it turns out dogshit-throw up shorts out the circuit in a lamp, the window sill (which can only hold so much and therefore the throw up will just run down the wall like some sick “Amityville Horror” prank, where the walls shit instead of bleed), and the carpet right in front of your baby’s nursery. Oh, and that rug you have to throw away…Turns out the neighbors will be watching you as you drag a giant, rolled-up area rug wrapped in garbage bags out to the curb for the trash pickup, and they’ll assume you’ve killed someone. And then they’ll shut the curtains every time you walk by their house and stop waving “Hello” when you see each other.
You’ve been warned.