For those of you who know my husband, you probably think he’s a pretty tough guy; the kind of guy that doesn’t cave in, or have any weaknesses. But you’re wrong. Stop by my house late at night, or early on a Sunday morning, and you’ll witness firsthand JD folding like a lawn chair over…wait for it…infomercials.
That’s right, Reader. JD can’t watch an infomercial without dialing that flashing number at the bottom of the screen, with the hopes of scoring a great deal (and, if you act now, free shipping!).
It’s a sickness. I first saw it happen five years ago: We were on vacation, it was early in the morning, and while channel-surfing, we happened upon an infomercial for The NuWave Oven. Now, here’s where I blame myself. I’m the one who stopped at the commercial. But, I wasn’t looking to make a purchase; my sole intention was to make fun of the people selling the product (I like to replace whatever the product name is with a naughty word, like “vagina”). I wanted to show JD how fun this was, so as the frazzle-haired saleswoman made her pitch, I encouraged the hubs to replace the word “NuWave” with “vagina.” We watched and laughed as she spoke: So, all you have to do is take the frozen solid chicken, pop it in the
NuWave vagina, and press “Go.” It’s just that easy! Hit “Go” on the NuWave vagina, and you’re only minutes away from a perfectly cooked meal. Buy a NuWave vagina today!
I was cracking up when I proceeded to look over at JD, positive that he, too, would be laughing uncontrollably. But, he was nowhere to be found! The only sensible thing to assume was that my little infomercial game made him laugh so hard that he ran to the bathroom because he was pissing himself. Then, I heard rustling in the other room. I followed the noise, and found JD rummaging through my purse, looking for his phone and wallet. He found them, handed both items to me, and said, “We need that. You have to call them right now.” “What?” I said in shock. Maybe all the “chicken in the vagina” talk had confused him. “Jaim, we have to order the NuWave. Did you see how nice that chicken came out?!” “Of the vagina? Yeah, I saw it,” I said, laughing, as I handed him back the card and phone. “I AM SERIOUS. Call and order it, tell them you want it rush delivered so we’ll have it when we get home from vacation.” He shoved the phone and credit card into my hands, and ran back to the television so he could watch the demonstration all over again. I called, ordered, and we received the NuWave about 4 days later. As I type this, Reader, I’m glaring at the monstrosity that lives on top of my fridge.
But it didn’t stop there, oh no. JD had been bitten by the info bug. Two years later, it was the Xpress! Ready, Set, Go! Cooker. It’s like a gourmet sandwich press, omelet cooker, and muffin pan all in one. Do I use it? Unfortunately, yes.
And now, most recently (yesterday), we became the proud owners of the GripGo! Phone Mount. It’s for your car, and you just stick your phone to it and, according to the infomercial, it won’t fall off…Even if you held it out the window while driving 60 mph. I was in the kitchen, washing dishes, when I heard the exaggerated voice of a pitchman (Oh no! Not again! You try and you try, but that phone just won’t stay put on the dashboard! Well, now, thanks to the GripGo, you can even flip your car and die in the mangled wreckage at the bottom of a ravine, but your phone will still be right where you left it! AMAZING! Call now! 1-800-you’ve-been-had-by-another-infomercial!).
“We need that!” JD shouted while simultaneously sprinting through the house like a madman, looking for his phone and credit card (if only he’d had the GripGo, his phone wouldn’t have been lost to begin with!). I just shook my head in disappointment, finished the dishes, and went to the gym. The last thing I heard before stepping out the door was JD’s voice saying, “How soon will it be here?”
Are there interventions for this kind of thing?