The past week or so has been one of the strangest collection of events to ever occur. As a matter of fact, it takes second place only to the week where I was 9 months pregnant with inexplicable diarrhea (turns out drinking copious amounts of Mylanta to treat heartburn gives you the crazy shits) and had to drive myself to the hospital, only to end up rescuing two Polish women, an Asian couple, and a Ukranian (none of which spoke English) after a huge car accident happened right in front of me. And this week is still a close second. Here’s what happened:
- Crouching Tiger, Hidden Nosebleed: Out of the last 15 days, Chase has had approximately 13 nosebleeds. I’m no mathematician, but that’s a freaking lot. Like “were you this pale yesterday?” type shit. And the thing is, he just sneaks around with them. JD found him in the bathroom at two in the morning, just hunched over the toilet while a waterfall of blood gushed down his face. And then Chase sneezed, and what was momentarily a sad and pitiful little event suddenly erupted into a full-on NCIS murder scene, complete with blood-spattered EVERYTHING.
- Dude, Where’s My Trash Can?: So, it was about 11 in the morning last Thursday, and I was at work when my phone beeped. I ran over to my bag to check for a text message, because
only JD, my mom, and my mother-in-law text meI have a ton of friends who text me super awesome inside-joke-style text messages all of the time. This time, unfortunately, it was JD, and the text said, “Where’s the garbage can?” “Um. Outside?” I replied. “Nope. Gone,” he stated. It took a moment for this to sink in because 1) That garbage can is frigging huge, and 2) I never take out the garbage (it’s man work in my house) and don’t really like to keep tabs on shit like that. After a few minutes, the anger about the fact that someone stole my garbage can took over. “What the hell?! Does Oscar the Grouch just go around at night jacking people’s stuff?!” I responded. “I don’t know,” JD said. “But it’s gone.” Well, it’s been like 4 days, can’s still missing, and I will never be able to watch an episode of “Sesame Street” without wanting to punch the TV screen.
- The Armpit: Sienna is quite possibly the most adorable thing on Earth. Correction: She’s the most adorable thing on Earth. That being said, you can imagine my shock when I lifted up her arms the other night after her bath, only to discover some weird-ass infection going on in her armpit (if New Jersey is the “armpit of America,” then Sienna’s armpit was the…”New Jersey of armpits?” Or was it the “New Jersey of America?” Anyway…) I was just trying to do some baby yoga with her, and then I discovered the red, yeasty-looking disaster where a normal armpit would typically be. I thought about just WebMD’ing it, but quickly came to my senses when I recalled the time I got on there to see what the best way was to remove a splinter, and then after reading an article on the site, realized what I thought was a splinter was in fact cancer. Prostate cancer. And that I was dying. So I called her doctor instead, and found out that her armpit issue wasn’t cancer, and that actually I was just a terrible parent who neglected to properly dry her underarms post-bath, causing a mild but very painful infection. Phew, what a relief.
- The Dressy Toilet: Yesterday, I wore this incredible dress to work. It was the kind of dress that looked classy, but totally bad-ass. Like I could twirl in it, but finish the twirl off with a ninja kick straight to your throat. Pretty sweet. So you can imagine my disappointment when, at 8:30 in the morning, I went to the bathroom, sat down to pee, moved my dress to the side, and then heard plop! Naturally, I looked down into the toilet, expecting to see the sneakiest piece of poop ever, because I didn’t even feel the urge to poop. Instead, what I discovered was part of my dress sitting in the toilet water. And by “water,” I mean “urine.” Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I had to dry it using the worst hand-dryer ever, which was basically the equivalent of letting a one-year-old blow out his own birthday candles.
- The Adventures of Grenade Dog and Shit Filler: We recently fenced in our yard, and it’s great because Mac and Chase can just run around like maniacs all day and we don’t really have to be parents anymore. Or so we thought. After they were outside for like an hour, we peeked out to check on them, and found 4 giant holes that made it look as though someone just tossed grenades off of our roof into the yard. Mac basically did all of the dirty work, then Chase came in to fill the holes up with some special ingredients. Like muddy rainwater. And dog shit.
Good times. Good times.