Reader, I’m going to be real with you for a minute. Sometimes, I feel like I’m being followed. And sometimes, I feel like I’m two seconds away from having my face ripped off. Sound like the sequel to some terrifying horror movie? Guess again. This…is life with a toddler. I’ve compiled 5 reasons why living with a toddler is just like–if not worse than–being stuck in a scary movie.
1. Grab Hands
One of my favorite things to do is hide in my bathroom and browse Pinterest (that sounded less pathetic in my head). Afterward, I’ll hop in the shower, shave and start washing my hair. But, thanks to having a toddler, even the most relaxing activities turn into a scene from the Bates Motel. I’ll hear something, open my eyes in a panic, and while they’re burning with soap, I’ll throw back the shower curtain just in time to see hands. Little, pale, pudgy, grabby hands with their marker-stained (probably blood) fingernails clawing under the door. Reaching for me. Trying to take away all the things that make me happy. Like Pinterest. And silence. And a moment to myself.
2. Don’t Go In There
When the house is finally quiet, and JD and I are just about to drift off to dreamland, we’ll hear sounds coming from our toddler’s room. We don’t know if they’re sweet, sleeping baby sounds, or choking on vomit sounds, and I’d just assume we wait until morning to find out, but JD with his, “What if she needs us?” save the planet bullshit just has to go check on the tot. I plead with him, “Please! Don’t go in there!” with my best whisper yell, grabbing at the back of his shirt in hopes he’ll come to his senses. But, he forges on, much like the dumb hot blonde girl who goes into the abandoned house, and as he opens the door, the most chilling words you’ll ever hear as a parent come from the nightlight-soaked room, “Daddy? Daddy! I go downstairs and play. Now.” **shivers at the thought**
3. Two Words: Paranormal Activity
One of the greatest and most horrifying gifts you can give new parents is a video monitor. I tell you this because it’s wonderful to check in on a sweet sleeping newborn, but nothing, and I mean NOTHING, looks the same when it’s seen through night vision. That’s why an entire scary movie franchise has been built around the horror witnessed through video monitors. And yet, somehow, the gods of Babies R Us thought it was appropriate for parents to watch their children in this same light. Just when I think Sienna is asleep, and I check the monitor, it’s like she knows, and her eyes fly open, and I can see the little beady pupils glowing in the dark. Scary shit. Oh! And even worse: I once saw the ghost of a dead person with long,flowing hair (kind of Beyonce meets Taylor Swift-style hair…sit down, Kanye) hovering next to Sienna. I jumped out of bed, preparing to run in there and fistfight a spirit, but I came to my senses and quickly remembered that ghosts are the fucking worst. And I have two kids. And if the ghost is taking one…Well…I’ve got a spare. However, after a second look at the video monitor from Hell, I realized the ghost was a curtain, and the heat was coming through the vent under the window, and ghosts with really pretty hair aren’t trying to steal my kid.
4. Climbing Over the Bad Guy
You know how in all those horror movies, there’s always that inevitable moment where the surviving hero has to climb over the limp, presumably lifeless body of the villain, ONLY TO BE GRABBED AND AT LEAST HAVE THEIR FOOT CHOPPED OFF. Well, having a toddler: Same thing. If you’ve ever had a toddler fall asleep on you, or next to you on a couch, in a bed, anywhere, you know this feeling all too well. You start to sweat as you realize that now is your chance to escape. You look around, planning your route, which couch cushion you can brace off of, scanning the floor to see what noise-making toys lay between you and freedom. Impossible, you think. But I have to try. So you time your movements to the exhales of the toddler’s breath, one hand on the side of the couch, then a big toe grazing the ground, you lift up in a quick, silent maneuver, hand sliding gracefully from under the sweat-soaked tendrils of your kid’s curly hair…and you’re free. You’re free! You hop up, ready to tiptoe into another room, when suddenly…from under the couch cushion…you hear a ring. FOOL! You forgot about the phone. It slid out of your sweatshirt pocket as you made your escape. Please! Please STOP ringing! But your prayers go unanswered as up from the depths of dreamland Hell, the toddler rises. Hair floating off the top of her head because of equal parts static and madness. And you thought you were safe…
5. The Exorcist
One of the most horrific parts of living with a toddler is never knowing when your child is about to vomit. Everywhere. Like headspinning, take cover, shit is literally hitting the fan, vomit. But this isn’t something you just call a priest to come take care of with some holy water and a cross. Oh, no. This takes grit. Survival of the fittest. These are the moments in horror movies where the lone survivor is in a tattered, dirty white tank top, limping down the gravel road, with some ridiculous weapon (preferably a farm tool) dragging the ground. Sienna has had a stomach virus for two days, and just when you think it’s safe to give her a bite of toast, or a sip of juice, the floodgates open and the fury is unleashed. You never know when it’s going to happen, and you have no clue how long it will last. We’re out of towels, out of clean sheets and we’ve been using stuffed animals as pillows. But we have survived. Or have we?
So there you have it. Those are just 5 of the many reasons living with a toddler is like being permanently stuck in a horror film. I’m sure there are plenty of other qualifying examples for this, but you’ll just have to wait until the sequel.
Don’t Turn Off The Lights,