I’ve had it. JD’s just strutting around, making me feel shitty about myself. And he doesn’t even know it…Look at him over there, with his smug grin, his showered, smell-good hair, his pants with an actual button and non-elastic waistband. Prick.
What in the Hell, you may ask, is happening? Get ready, Reader, ’cause I’m about to get on my soapbox.
JD’s wrestling season just ended. He spent all of last week in Oklahoma City for Nationals, and he has decided to take this week off from work. Because spending five days in another state getting to sleep in, eat like a king, and drink like a frigging pirate is TOUGH. And did I mention his gout flare-up? Oh yeah. That happened, too. Frankly, I’m surprised he even made it through the experience, what with the grueling nature of it all. Anywho…
So basically there’s been a role-reversal in our household. Even though I work, I’m typically the first one home. And whenever there’s some type of holiday or extended break, I’m home with the kids while he’s at work. But now, I’m bringing home the bacon (vegan, of course), and JD is playing Mr. Mom. This whole week, I’ve been anticipating one thing: That moment that every mom has when she’s reached the “I’d never sell my kid on Craigslist like those other crazy bitches, but I get it. I get it.” Except instead of this moment happening to me, it was going to hit JD harder than that time I bag-tagged him during a wrestling team hog roast. And in true, life-ruining fashion, it hasn’t happened. I shit you not. This son of a bitch has kept it together, and even managed to maintain personal hygiene at the same time.
Do you hear that, Reader? That’s the sound of me getting bag-tagged. KARMA bag-tagged. JD’s ability to survive like a chameleon during the transition from working dad to stay-at-home dad punched me in my nuts. (I think my original intention for this post was to actually compliment JD for his impressive run as a stay-at-home..Hmm.) Need specifics? Let’s take a look at some of the key moments from Mr. Mom:
- Laundry: Don’t get me wrong, JD is the laundry king in this house. He handles all things garment-related (except for lookin’ damn fine in everything…that title goes to yours truly). But the other day when I arrived home from work, JD said he needed to talk to me about the laundry situation, and I felt certain this was the beginning of the end for JD’s run as best stay-at-home parent ever. “Babe, we need to talk about the laundry,” he sighed. “Oh?” I asked, all the while masking my elation over impending failure. “Here’s the deal,” he started. “I’ll do all of the laundry in the house, if…” I cut him off. “Sex? You want sex, don’t you? Deal.” I was prepared to do whatever it took to keep me away from the laundry room. I saw the wheels turning in his head as he quickly revised his plan. “Yes. Sex, and you have to make sure you actually put the dirty clothes in the laundry basket.” “Okay,” I retorted. “Clothes in the basket, but as per your request, I will be too busy doing this to meet my previous offer of after-hours entertainment.” JD had managed to master not only the laundry hurricane that is our bedroom, but also one of the many fine arts of the stay-at-home. I was FURIOUS.
- Bedtime: Once again, JD has always participated in the bedtime routine. When Chase was just a little fart, we decided to take turns each night with putting him to bed, and it has worked for us. But when that demon Sienna joined the mix, we had to switch up our gameplan. It can be pure chaos; just tonight I was putting Si-Si to bed, only to discover that she’d found her way out of her room and into the toilet, which she has deemed her own personal drinking fountain. Is this what they meant by the “Fountain of Youth?” Just some big-ass toilet that all the little kids shove their hands in before smearing those same hands all over their faces and tongues? There have been many nights when Joe is out of town and I’ve been exhausted enough to just strap a bottle onto our dog Mac’s collar and hope that as he runs from Sienna, he’ll miraculously lure her into her bedroom, then place her in her crib (or even on the changing table…It’s padded), turn on her lullaby CD, and watch her as she falls asleep. Oftentimes, I realize this hasn’t worked only after just starting to catch up on missed episodes of “Chopped,” at which point all hope is lost and I just take the Si-Si Bear up on the couch and pray she’ll pass out in time for me to see who is on the chopping block. But do you know that this JD character has managed to single-handedly put our kids to bed? Without any toilet water issues? No bloody noses. No “Hey did Sienna already drink that bottle? ‘Cause I think this milk is bad.” Seriously. Disgusting.
- Shower Power: When JD is out of town, the closest I’m getting to a shower is when Sienna slaps me in the face with a dirty baby wipe. Somehow, though, every day that I’ve arrived home from work, JD’s completely showered, and even mildly attractive in the right lighting. Not only that, he’s wearing an outfit. With matching colors. And pants that button. And a shirt that can’t be found in the pajama section of any store. I once managed to put together an entire grocery shopping ensemble that didn’t even belong to me! I had JD’s old sweatpants on, his sweatshirt, and a pair of slippers. I couldn’t be bothered to find underwear (thank God for pants with a drawstring). My hair was so greasy I had to pin it back to keep it from sticking to my face, and I had to use one of Sienna’s princess hair bows because I’d lost all of my bobby pins. Doesn’t JD realize he’s upsetting the stay-at-home universal truth that all is fair in hygiene and attire? Asshole.
- Attitude: Last but not least, it’s Thursday and JD’s still happy-go-fucking-lucky. A kiss on the cheek when I walk through the door, a hug as I’m making dinner, a smile and giggle as Sienna shoves a fistful of dog food in her mouth for the third time today. After three days of parenting by myself, I’m at the point of no return. If the weather is nice outside, I won’t even open my windows out of fear that the neighbors might overhear one of my classic phrases, such as, “Chase! I swear to God if you don’t take that singlet off and get in bed, I’m going to punch you in the leg!” And who could forget, “Mac! You son of a bitch! I just let you out to go pee yesterday!” Oh, and what about this little gem, “I’m sorry Si-Si, but we’re out of milk. This half & half is like the same thing…basically.” 72 hours of being the only adult in the house can make a person do crazy things. I once called up a friend on Skype and left them in charge of the kids while I took a nap. (They were fine.) So the fact that JD is not only still here, but also seemingly enjoying this experience…He makes me sick.
Well, there you have it Reader. I’m sure you can clearly see why JD is a horrible person for making me feel so inadequate as a wife, a parent, and a human being. It’s just one of the many ways he continues to ruin my life, day in and day out.
I’ll see you in the trenches.